


Underfist Against the aSTRoVaMPiReS

by SteveAtwater



Series: SteveAtwater's Underfist Continuation [1]
Category: Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandy
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, Clockwork Orange References? In My Underfist Story? It's More Likely Than You Think, Gen, Hard G Soft T, Humor, Stupidity, more likely than you think, self-deprecation, tapirs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-20 14:10:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 8,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14262693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SteveAtwater/pseuds/SteveAtwater
Summary: The long-awaited sequel toUnderfist: Halloween Bash...is still not in the works and never coming out. Why not? Because Cartoon Network didn't want to renew Maxwell Atoms's contract ten years ago. So instead, what do you get? A fanfictionattemptingto continue the Underfist story! Join Irwin, Hoss Delgado, Jeff the spider, Fred Fredburger, and General Skarr as they take on their greatest challenge yet...the aSTRoVaMPiReS!Rated G because it's essentially at the same level as canon. That said,The Grim Adventures of Billy & Mandywasn't exactly squeaky-clean as a show, so there are some quasi-subtle dirty jokes. Basically a TV-Y7, or by Fanfiction.net guidelines a K+. All I'm saying is it's not hard enough to be rated T, but it's not quite a clean story. (Check the tags.)





	1. One-Eyed Weirdo Freaknasty

When you been on this earth as long as Dracula has, you learn a thing or two. You learn the cool moves. You learn what the ladies love. You learn when it's the right time to do the scrape-and-lick. You learn to never back down from nobody, nowhere, no time, no how. And Dracula don't back down from no one! Nuh-uh! Why, death hisself could show up at Dracula's doorstep, and Dracula wouldn't back down! Matter of fact, death did show up at Dracula's doorstep, and what did Dracula do? Dracula showed that skeleton man a thing or two! And made Skeleton Man pay for Dracula's early-bird special at Fanny's!

Now what was Dracula talking about again? Oh yeah! Dracula knows a lot, 'cause he's been around a long time. But don't you dare call Dracula old! Dracula ain't no creaky old geezer man! Dracula's still as fine as an award-winning Australian wine! But Dracula's not talking about that. No, Dracula's talking about...uh...let's see. Hold on, let me find my place. Um, hmm. Learn a thing or two...death hisself...Australian wine...here we go.

One of the things you learn when you been around as much as Dracula is that everybody got their own story. Some of them got more than one. Dracula got plenty, and they're all interesting. But this ain't Dracula's story. Don't know why, though! Dracula should be the star of this story! But no, instead Dracula gots to tell a story about his nerd grandson! Half-mummy, quarter-vampire, all nerd! Twenty-two sevenths nerd, to be exact! And not only that, but this isn't just a story about Dracula's nerdy relative! No, it's also a story about an annoying green elephant duck thing! And a giant spider! Whoo, that giant spider gives Dracula the heebie-jeebies. And it's the story of a one-eyed weirdo freaknasty! And some other one-eyed weirdo freaknasty with way too much body hair and an artificial hand!

This isn't the story of Dracula. Although Dracula knows you'd rather hear the story of Dracula. Especially if it's a story about Dracula and the ladies. Everyone loves the stories about Dracula and the ladies. Especially the ladies.

This is the story...of Underfist!


	2. Now I Understand That Charlie Sheen Movie

As soon as the cephalopods from the underworld made their presence known on Earth, Underfist swung into action.

"Alright, Underfist!" Jeff said. "I know we just finished with the candy monsters, but it looks like our work is just beginning! Let's take down these squids and keep that Burgersnatch guy from destroying the sun with his disgusting magic!"

"Wait, did this pick up where the last movie left off?" Irwin asked. Jeff nodded. "Oh no! I'm not used to continuity, yo!"

"Don't be such a baby, Earnest!" Hoss said. "We've got evil to fight!"

Hoss leapt towards the armies marching out of the hole in the ground and begin taking them apart with his chainsaw hand. When he realized his chainsaw wasn't getting the job done fast enough, he switched to an energy weapon and began firing wily-nily, tearing burnt holes into his opponents.

"Who wants some calamari?" Hoss asked. "Trick question! It's me!"

Hoss continued to fight. While he took down cephalopod soldiers in close combat, Irwin used his vampire powers to unfurl a pair of bat wings and soar high into the sky. He then proceeded to unleash his mummy powers and rain papyrus wrappings onto the squids. The wrappings caught on the octopuses' tentacles and bound them tightly together, keeping them from moving–or, more importantly, conquering.

"All right!" Irwin said happily after he dispatched a bunch of squid soldiers. "I'm on fire, yo!" He sniffed the air. "Hey, is something burning?"

It was at that moment that Irwin realized his vampiric powers came with a severe downside.

"AAAAHHH!" Irwin screamed. "MY WINGS ARE ON FIRE, YO!"

Irwin flapped around frantically, but wasn't able to put out the fire. To make matters worse, when he flew over the Washington Monument, he hooked the waistband of his pants on the top of the obelisk. Irwin continued to try and fly forward, but eventually the elastic took control and yanked him back to the monument. Irwin slammed into the Washington Monument rear-first and then slowly slid down until his weight and the elastic in his pants reached equilibrium.

"Ow..." Irwin whimpered. "Monster wedgie, yo."

While Irwin hung helpless and humiliated from the Washington Monument, Fred Fredburger was at the other end of the reflecting pool. He was surrounded by an entranced crowd of cephalopods.

"I like shows, about animals!" he told them. "Sometimes, I like shows about animals who live in San Francisco, and sometimes, I like shows about animals who go to school and have friends made of clouds and ice cream, and sometimes, sometimes I like shows about superheroes."

"Those are reboots!" Skarr called to him. Skarr was busy swordfighting the squids. Fred Fredburger ignored him.

"Oh, and my mom, she says I'm real smart!" Fred said. "She says I can spell my name real good! Wanna, wanna hear me spell my name?"

The squids cheered.

"F. R. E. D. F. R. E. D. B. U. R. Uh..." Fred said. "Uh...uh...uh...uh..."

While Fred tried to remember the eighth letter of his last name (it's G, by the way), Jeff was busy skittering around the Vietnam Veterans Memorial.

"Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!" Jeff apologized to every name he stepped on. As he darted around, he fired webbing from his rear, wrapping up soldiers as they pursued him. He kept fighting even as the squids closed in on him.

"Geez, now I understand that Charlie Sheen movie," Jeff muttered to himself. He continued to fight until suddenly the leader of the squids, Grouchy Burgersnatch, stormed past. Every single fighter halted as the commander headed for the Lincoln Memorial.

"What is the meaning of this?" Grouchy demanded as he confronted Fred.

"Uh...G!" Fred said. "E. R. Fred Fredburger! Yes."

Grouchy Burgersnatch looked completely confused until Hoss leapt at him from behind and sawed straight through him.

"Ahh! Uncle!" the squid clinging to his scepter screamed. The squid jumped off the scepter and skidded away. The rest of the forces looked confused until Hoss turned and leered at them with a gigantic, psychotic grin.

"Back to the home front!" the sanest of the cephalopods declared. The remainder of the army followed his lead and fled into the hole that led to the underworld, chased by Hoss, Skarr, and Jeff. As soon as the last of the cephalopods entered the hole, Jeff aimed and fired a stream of webbing into its entrance, sealing it up tightly.

"There, that ought to hold it," Jeff said.

"I always did hate seafood," Skarr said.

"I have some seafood!" Fred announced. He opened his mouth. "See? Food!"

Hoss and Skarr groaned. Behind them, the elastic on Irwin's pants finally gave out, and he fell to the ground with a huge thud.


	3. I Like Teen Titans Go!

"As President of the United States, I present you with these medals for taking out those squid freaks," Mandy told Underfist. She had handed out the medals just a minute before. "I hope you...whatever...I don't really care. Just take your medals and go."

"Is mine at least real this time?" Skarr grumbled. He looked at the inscription. "Third Place History Day. Wow. What a great medal."

"Say, Mandy," Irwin said. "I've saved the world twice in one day."

"Um, excuse me?" Hoss asked. "Last I remember, you spent half the fight wedgied from the top of that pointy thing."

"Yeah, you really didn't contribute much," Jeff said.

"You were mainly the comic relief in this fight," Skarr said.

"Um, excuse me?" Fred said. "This medal doesn't have any chocolate inside."

True to form, Fred Fredburger had bitten into his medal, searching for delicious candy goodness.

Mandy rolled her eyes. "Just shut up and get out of my office."

"Does that mean our work here is done?" Jeff asked.

"Sure, whatever," Mandy said.

"We saved the day!" Irwin cheered. "Again. After the last special. Where it took a lot longer to get rid of the candy monsters." Irwin fell silent for a few seconds. "Huh."

"Something wrong, sport?" Jeff asked.

"Oh, I dunno," Irwin said. "It's just–last time, we defeated an evil marshmallow bunny that gave Hoss recurring nightmares and sawed off Jeff's tusks and made your dad hate you, and it took us about an hour to take care of everything, and–well, this time it feels like a bit of a letdown."

"Aw, c'mon little buddy," Jeff said. "There's no way you can feel let down after we saved the world."

"I guess you're right," Irwin said.

"Hooray for Underfist!" Fred chimed in.

"Hooray for Underfist!" everyone in Underfist except for Skarr cheered.

* * *

_When monsters come to wreck your town_   
_And you need heroes to rescue you_   
_And the Super Friends just ain't around_   
_Then Underfist will rescue you_   
_It's what they do_   
_Oh yeah?_   
_Oh yeah._   
_Oh yeah?_   
_Oh yeah._   
_Oh yeah!_   
_Un-der_   
_Un-der_   
_Un-der un-der Underfist_   
_Un-der un-der Underfist_   
_When the underworld attacks_   
_And an evil squid will destroy the sun_   
_And you're hoping someone's got your back_   
_'Cause living blindly isn't fun_   
_Call Underfist, be free, oh yeah_   
_Oh yeah?_   
_Oh yeah._   
_Oh yeah!_

_UNDERFIST, GO!_

* * *

When the credits ended, everyone was still in Mandy's office.

"Uh, was something supposed to have happened?" Jeff asked.

"Something did happen," Mandy said.

"Was it that you discovered your deep-rooted love for me?" Irwin asked. "Because baby, I am so ready, yo. How's about you and me start in with the smooching and then move on from there, yo?"

Irwin puckered his lips. Mandy punched him in the face and knocked him across the room.

"Hey, you can't do that to a member of Underfist!" Jeff said, upset.

"Shut it, Jeff," Mandy said. "Unless you'd like me to rip out your mandibles and use them to gouge out every single one of your eyes?"

Jeff's front legs instinctively flew up to cover his mandibles.

"That's what I thought," Mandy said. "Now, while the end credits were rolling, I received a message from a government department that deals with broadcasting. Apparently, they've been getting some strange signals from outer space."

"Is this the setup for some joke about  _Teen Titans Go!_ , yo?" Irwin mumbled through his swollen face.

"Hey!" Skarr complained. "I like  _Teen Titans Go!_ "

"You would," Hoss said.

"Can we get back on topic,  _please_?" Mandy asked. Everyone turned back to her. "That's better. No, these signals weren't part of some stupid overthought joke about Cartoon Network's current programming. They're weird and strange, and G.'s analysis suggests that these signals are supernatural in origin."

"You know, I have felt a strange pull from space," Irwin said. "I thought it was just part of my vampire-mummy powers, but if you're right, it might be something else. Something...alien."

Suddenly, a red phone on the Oval Office desk began beeping. Mandy picked up the receiver.

"What is it?" she asked. The person on the other end began speaking. "Crazed animals? Cheyenne Mountain? Why do I keep repeating everything you're saying? Don't worry, I'll send Underfist over. They're...available."

Mandy hung up the phone and turned back to Underfist.

"Pack your bags, boys," she said. "You're headed to Cheyenne Mountain."


	4. Use Your Weird Toilet Paper Powers

Underfist headed for Colorado in a black helicopter.

"Oh, boy!" Jeff said. "I can't believe we're headed to Colorado Springs! Why, just think of all the culture that has come out of that place! All the intellectual luminaries! All the great writers, and philosophers, and athletes, and musicians–who could ever forget that favorite child of Colorado Springs, the one and only...uh...hold on, I'll think of someone in a moment..."

* * *

Maxwell Atoms looked up from his drawing board.

"Give up," he said. "Nobody of any importance whatsoever has  _ever_  been born in Colorado Springs."

* * *

"Enh, I'm sure I'll think of someone later," Jeff said. "But we're here!"

The helicopter landed in a large parking lot. Skarr was the first one out. He looked around.

"This isn't Cheyenne Mountain!" he said. "This isn't Cheyenne Mountain at all!"

Fred leaped out of the helicopter. "It's the zoo!" he said happily. "I love the zoo!"

Skarr noticed a sign over some gates. "Oh..." he muttered. "The Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. How clever. And here I was, thinking we'd get to go someplace of  _real_  importance."

"C'mon!" Fred said happily. "Let's go to the zoo!"

Fred skipped happily into the zoo. Jeff's walkie-talkie crackled.

"Yes?" Jeff said into it.

"You're at the zoo, correct?" Mandy said.

"Um, yes," Jeff said. "Hey, why was I the one who got the walkie-talkie?"

"Because you're the least annoying of these idiots," Mandy said. "Now listen and listen good. The trouble is at the monkey house. Get over there and take care of it."

"Yes, ma'am!" Jeff said. He put the walkie-talkie down and turned to Hoss. "We need to get to the monkey house."

"Why would I know where it is?" Hoss asked.

Skarr smirked. "I'm going to refrain from giving the obvious answer."

"Uh, hey, I found this map," Irwin said. "It says the monkeys are just up the hill and a left past the tapirs. Unless Mandy actually meant the apes. They're a different genus altogether, yo."

"What's the difference?" Hoss asked.

"Monkeys have tails, yo. Apes are completely tailless," Irwin informed him.

"Okay, Hoss definitely knows where the monkeys are," Skarr said snarkily.

Hoss turned to him. "Are you implying something?" he asked threateningly.

"Oh, no, never," Skarr said. Hoss turned back around. "And I'm sure he doesn't owe child support."

Hoss swung around and buried a left hook in Skarr's nose. Skarr collapsed to the ground.

"Now let's find those monkeys," Hoss said.

* * *

When Underfist arrived at the monkey house, they found it cordoned off.

"Well, it looks like this is the place," Hoss said grimly. "We're going in."

Everyone in Underfist hopped the line except for Fred. He was fascinated by a strange animal. The animal stood about three feet tall, had a small trunk, and had bright intelligent eyes. The animal looked back at him, and Fred's eyes widened with wonder.

While Fred was otherwise absorbed, the rest of Underfist burst into the monkey house. There, they found absolute pandemonium.

"Alright, Underfist," Hoss said nervously. "Let's get ready to–"

A monkey leapt onto Skarr's face and began clawing at his flesh. Skarr shrieked from pain until Jeff shot a web at the monkey, knocking it away and trapping it against the wall.

"Thanks," Skarr said blearily. A hunk of skin peeled away from his cheek.

"Underfist, go!" Irwin yelled. The four fighters waded into the fray.

* * *

The tapir Fred was looking at wandered closer to the fence. Fred pushed his body against the fence to get a closer look.

* * *

In the monkey house, eight monkeys began playing tug-of-war with Jeff's legs.

"Could you stop that please?" Jeff inquired politely. The monkeys ignored him. "No, seriously, could you please stop that? It's quite painful."

Hoss proceeded to punch his way through the monkey melee. "Irwin!" he called. "Use your weird toilet paper powers!"

"They're mummy bandages, yo!" Irwin complained.

A Lar gibbon grabbed Irwin's waistband and yanked it up over his head.

* * *

Carlotta the mountain tapir lay down next to Fred. Fred's eyes grew as large as dinner plates as he looked at the tapir.

* * *

Irwin screeched in pain. "Why do they always go for the undies, yo?" he asked through his tears.

"Stop screaming!" Skarr yelled. "They can sense your pain!"

Two howler monkeys popped up besides Skarr and howled in his ears.

"My ears!" Skarr yelled, placing his hands over them. "I may never hear again!"

Tears came to Skarr's eyes. A two-toed sloth fell onto his head, claws extended, and Skarr dropped to the ground and rolled around, wailing miserably.

* * *

Fred reached toward Carlotta.

* * *

"Alright enough of this!" Hoss said. He punched a few monkeys out of his way and grabbed one of the animals clinging to Jeff.

"I'm sorry," Hoss said. "But I've had enough fooling  _around_."

Hoss began to swing the monkey around in circles. Jeff screamed as he was extended away, and the other monkeys joined in. When Hoss's lemur finally let go, Jeff and the monkeys slammed into the bars of a cage heavily. Jeff was the first to recover, however, and he quickly webbed his attackers.

"Thanks, Hoss," Jeff said. "Now could you...make the world stop spinning?"

* * *

Fred began petting the tapir with one hand. With the other, he gave a thumbs-up to the camera, and topped it off with a gigantic grin.

* * *

"It's now or never, you creepy disgusting arachnid," Hoss said. "We're going to take these creeps down once and for all."

"Right!" Jeff said.

Hoss and Jeff crouched, ready to leap into action. Suddenly, a voice from the doorway stopped everything.

"Enough!" the voice declared.

Everybody turned to look at the mysterious newcomer.

It was a goat.


	5. Are We Done with the Stupidity Yet?

Underfist and the monkeys stopped fighting and stared at the odd sight of a goat talking. A bunch of other goats wandered up behind it and crowded into the room as well.

"Talking goats?" Hoss asked. "Hmm. I've seen this before."

The goats changed into tall, green-skinned beings with sharp fangs, powdered wigs, black cloaks, and astronaut helmets.

"Okay," Hoss said after a few seconds. "I haven't seen  _that_  before."

"I'm sorry, but who are you?" Skarr asked. "We've kind of got our hands full fighting these monkeys."

A marmoset took offense and punched Skarr in the nose.

"Fool!" the leader of the transformed goats declared. "You have no need to fight these monkeys!"

"What?" Irwin said. "But they're acting all crazy, yo!"

The leader of the transformed goats rolled its eyes. "They're monkeys at the zoo. Of  _course_  they're acting crazy! Haven't you ever been to the monkey house before?"

"No," Irwin said weakly. "My grandmama's allergic, yo."

"So wait," Jeff said. "If the monkeys aren't being affected by weird space signals, who is?"

"We are, you dolt!" the transformed goats' leader said. "And do you know why?"

"Yes!" Fred said.

The leader blinked. "You do? Wait, where did you come from?"

"I got some cotton candy from the cotton candy store. Yes!" Fred said.

"That's all the way down the hill!" the leader complained.

"I took, a shortcut," Fred said.

"Well–how do you know about our evil scheme?" the leader asked, annoyed.

"If I may?" Skarr asked. The former goat nodded. "Fred is an idiot."

"Hey!" Jeff said. "Fred's not an idiot!"

"Yeah!" Fred said. "My mama said, that I'm real smart, and I can spell my name real good. Wanna hear? Okay here goes. F. R. E. D. F–"

"Nobody wants to hear this inane drivel!" the leader said angrily.

Fred paused for a few seconds before continuing. "R. E. D. B. U. R. G. E. R. Fred Fredburger, yes!"

The leader of the transformed goats pinched its brow and asked "Are we done with the stupidity yet?"

"On this show?" Skarr snarked. "Never."

The leader of the transformed goats frowned and opened its mouth to speak again.

"Ooh! Ooh! Weird person thingy?" Fred asked.

"WHAT?" the leader of the goats barked.

"I have to go, poo-poo. I have to go poo-poo real bad," Fred said.

The leader of the transformed goats shut its eyes tightly as if it were envisioning being anywhere else at the moment. Fred farted.

"Nevermind I just had the poots," Fred said.

The leader stared blankly ahead with a look of pure rage on its face.

"Hey, goat person? Do you know where the nachos are? I like nachos. Yes!"

The sound of glass shattering was heard.

"OH GOD!" the leader of the transformed goats wailed, clutching at its right eye. "I'M GOING BLIND IN ONE EYE! I THINK I JUST BURST A BLOOD VESSEL FROM SHEER FRUSTRATION!"

"Do we even  _have_  those?" one of the other transformed goats asked.

"Fine, whatever the space vampire equivalent is!" the leader snapped.

The world seemed to stand still as Underfist reacted to the news.

"Space vampires?" Jeff asked.

"Space vampires," Hoss said grimly. "I knew it."

The leader of the space vampires recovered itself. "Not just any space vampires," it said. "We are aSTRoVaMPiReS!"

"Astrovampires?" Irwin asked.

"Not astrovampires!" the leader complained. "aSTRoVaMPiReS!"

"The specific spelling and punctuation is as irrelevant as you're gonna be when I'm through with you!" Hoss declared. "Get ready to feel the burn, vampire scum!"

"Don't you want to know our evil plan first?" the leader asked. Hoss halted in his tracks.

"That's better," the leader said. "We plan to take over the world!"

"Oh no!" Irwin said. "They're going to do the scrape-and-lick to everyone, yo! Just like my grandpa did to my grandmama!"

* * *

Dracula looked up from his easy chair, annoyed.

"Hey!" he said. "Dracula never did the scrape-and-lick to her! Dracula never does the scrape-and-lick to loved ones!"

"Ain't that the truth," Irwin's grandmama said, giving the camera a meaningful look.

* * *

"What? No!" the leader of the aSTRoVaMPiReS said, shocked. "No, that's not how aSTRoVaMPiReS spread. We do it by making people drink our venom!"

"And venom is..." Skarr prompted.

"Goat milk!" the leader announced.

"Well that's not that worrisome," Skarr said. "Almost nobody drinks goat milk."

* * *

In Greece, a young boy in a school lunchroom took a sip of his milk and turned into an aSTRoVaMPiRe.

* * *

"Curses!" the leader complained. "I was led to believe that a majority of this planet enjoys goat milk. What are we going to do now?"

"At least you didn't tell them we could only be defeated with stakes," another aSTRoVaMPiRe said.

The leader of the aSTRoVaMPiReS stared at the new speaker angrily. "Do you know what they're going to do to us now?"

"I do," Hoss said. He pulled out a wooden stake and hammer. "Now get ready to die, space freak!"

Hoss leaped at the leader of the aSTRoVaMPiReS and hammered his stake through the center of its chest. The aSTRoVaMPiRe just stared at him, a bit miffed.

"Um, what do you think you're doing?" it asked.

Hoss grinned nervously. "Staking you?" he suggested.

"Right..." the leader said. "aSTRoVaMPiReS, attack!"

"Oh snap, yo!" Irwin said.

Underfist quickly found themselves fighting a battle they couldn't win. Skarr was the first one to break rank, running for the door and back towards the parking lot, but he was quickly followed by Fred and Jeff. Hoss found himself pinned in a corner of the monkey house until Irwin leapt in front of him, at which point Hoss blasted one of the windows open and ran out. The aSTRoVaMPiReS surrounded Irwin, who grinned nervously.

"Any chance you could let a fellow vampire go?" he asked sheepishly.

The lead aSTRoVaMPiRe grinned. "What do you think?" it asked.

"Right..." Irwin said. "Bat wings, go!"

Irwin's wings sprouted from his back, and he soared out the window. Soon, his wings caught fire, and he went down in flames. Luckily for him, he headed right for the door of the black helicopter just as it started to take off with the rest of Underfist inside. Unluckily, the back of his waistband caught on the edge of a propellor rotor.

"Oh come on!" Irwin complained. "This is like hanging out with Sperg, yo!"

The propellors spun, sending Irwin around and around in circles until he was finally slingshotted out of his pants and into the helicopter. He stood up, dazed.

"Where'd you leave your pants?" Fred asked, confused.

"No hablo ingles..." Irwin muttered. He collapsed onto the floor of the helicopter, unconscious.


	6. Meandering Conversations That Go Nowhere

"So, you got your butts handed to you," Mandy said.

"Well, you see–" Jeff started to say.

"Shut it," Mandy said. She got up from behind her desk and began to pace the floor in front of Underfist, who had returned to the White House for further instructions.

After about half a minute of silence, Fred began to speak up.

"I like cookies," he said. "My mom makes me cookies sometimes. Sometimes she makes me–"

Mandy snapped her fingers, and Harold rushed in with a roll of duct tape. He wrapped the duct tape around Fred's head, shutting him up.

"Finally," Mandy said. "He was starting to try my patience. And I don't like people who try my patience. And you? You're trying my patience right now. You got routed by what, vampire goats? I'll have you know I once took on a Head Head Vampire all by myself at the North Pole. And I'm still here, not a vampire."

"We're not vampires either," Hoss pointed out. "Except for Ursula."

"It's Irwin, yo!" Irwin complained. "Why are you always getting my name wrong?"

"Irwin?" Hoss asked. He shook his head. "I don't think so. I'm pretty sure I'd remember such a stupid name."

"Shut. Up," Mandy said. "This story has enough meandering conversations that go nowhere as it is. We don't need another one. What we do need, is action."

"Now you're speaking my language," Hoss said. "Let's get out there and stake some aSTRoVaMPiReS!"

Mandy shook her head. "No," she said. "If my intelligence reports are correct–and they are–staking them has no effect. Instead, I'm sending you to G. in the lab to see if he can help. And then we're sending you to take on the aSTRoVaMPiReS head on. I've had enough of playing defense."

"But how, yo?" Irwin asked. "We don't even know where they're coming from, yo!"

"Yes we do," Mandy said. "We've pinpointed the invasion's source. It's a Kuiper object on the edge of the solar system. Now get down to the lab, and get on the slab!"

Underfist walked out of the Oval Office and headed for the secret lab. As Fred left, Harold reached out and ripped the duct tape off of him.

"–chocolate chip, and sometimes she makes me oatmeal raisin, and sometimes, sometimes she makes..." Fred continued obliviously.

* * *

When Underfist walked in, G. was waiting for them.

"Good, you're here," G. said. "I've got the spaceship prepared, and I've found somebody who can help you."

"What about defeating them?" Skarr asked. "We'll be pretty useless if we don't have any tools to kill those aSTRoVaMPiReS."

G. shrugged. "I'm the Earth Reaper, not the Kuiper object Reaper. You're on your own there. But I  _think_  this new guy can help. May I introduce, the one and only, Baron Von Goulash!"

G. whipped a curtain away, revealing a green-skinned vampire in a powdered wig and elegant black cloak. The vampire grinned.

"Hey!" B. complained. "I thought that was Baron Von Ghoulish!"

"That's my cousin," Baron Von Goulash said. "There's a strong family resemblance."

"Okay..." B. said, processing this. "So why are you wearing underwear on the outside of your clothes? And why do you have that fake eyelash? And what's with the cool hat? I once had a pet with a cool hat, his name was Wiggy Jiggy Jed, but he tried to sleep in my bed and I had to get rid of him."

"I remember the hat!" Fred said happily. "I got to try it on! Yes!"

"Well, droogie–" Von Goulash started to say.

"Nice to have you aboard, Baron Von Goulash!" Hoss said, clapping the baron on the back. "We'll need all the help we can get to defeat those pesky aSTRoVaMPiReS! Why, I'm sure that a...vampire...of your caliber will be a great help when it comes to getting rid of those evil villains! After all, you probably know all their secret weaknesses, am I right? Ha! Ha! Ha! Nothing like a vampire to defeat a vampire, I always say!"

A bead of sweat dripped down Hoss's face as he smiled at his new vampire acquaintance nervously.

"No, but a nosh slices the cables, lewdies are hopeless without krovvy. A lomtick of the starry in-out noshwise and they fall down, eh? Very horrorshow if you need it. Odin or dva straight through, no struggle, very horrorshow. I love the sladky taste, swallow off my nosh. Should rabbit on those bratchny, eh gov, eh gov?"

Hoss continued to grin nervously. "Irken?" he hissed.

Irwin shrugged. "Sorry, Hoss, I have no idea either."

Hoss continued to stare at Von Goulash nervously. Von Goulash grinned at him.

Skarr cleared his throat. "Could we get on with it?" he asked.

"Oh, of course!" Baron Von Goulash said. "Appy polly loggy, droogie, didn't realize you were a gloopy nazz. Shall we ookadeet, droogies?"

Underfist stared at him blankly. Baron Von Goulash rolled his eyes.

"Let's get on the ship," he said slowly and carefully.

"Oh!" every member of Underfist said in sudden comprehension. They all got on board the ship. G. got ready to push the button.

"Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!" B. said excitedly. "Can I push the button?"

"No, Billy!" G. said. "This is a delicate scientific procedure, and–"

"I'm pushing the button!" B. said.

"No, Billy!" G. said angrily.

B. looked at G. with his head tilted and then pressed the button anyway. The rocket went straight up and slammed into the roof.

"See, this is why  _I_  push the button!" G. said. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

B. giggled stupidly. "That was fun!" he said. "Let's do it again!"

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Underfist had moved into a new rocket ship. This time, G. was able to get the roof open before B. pressed the button. Underfist took off for outer space and the Kuiper object of the aSTRoVaMPiReS.


	7. Where Do You Keep Getting These Names

As the rocket took off for the aSTRoVaMPiReS' Kuiper object, Underfist took their seats. Irwin sat next to Hoss, on the other side of the rocket from Baron Von Goulash.

"Hey, Hoss?" Irwin said.

"Yes, Irma?" Hoss replied.

Irwin frowned. "Are you sure this is a good idea?" he asked. "Something doesn't seem right about that Von Goulash guy."

"Urbana!" Hoss said, shocked. "Are you telling me you don't trust our new teammate just because he's a vampire?"

"Okay, where do you keep getting these names, yo!" Irwin complained. "I'm  _Irwin_! Not Urkel, or Irving, or Janice!  _Irwin_! Geez, yo!"

The cockpit fell silent after Irwin's outburst.

"Anyway," Hoss eventually said, "I'm ashamed of you, Irwin. I spent my entire life being scared out of my wits when it came to monsters, thinking they were all evil horrible creatures of darkness. I turned myself into a spectral exterminator just to face my fears and get rid of my enemies. And  _Kyle_." Hoss's face grew dark. "I  _hate_  Kyle." He returned to normal. "But I spent the entirety of the last special being informed that I was wrong, that not all monsters are evil, that some of them can be friends. Like you, LaShonda. Or that giant spider guy. Or the annoying duck who keeps spelling his name. And now you're telling me that you don't trust a monster just because he's a monster? Kathryn! Open your eyes! Open your mouth! Open your heart! Open...actually, stop opening things. And trust. Like I learned to."

The duo fell silent again after Hoss's speech.

"You do agree he's a major weirdo though right?" Irwin asked after about a minute.

"Oh totally," Hoss said.

Jeff walked over to them and asked "So what're you two talking about?"

"Irwin doesn't trust the Baron just because he's a creepy monster," Hoss said.

Jeff frowned. "Wait, I thought not trusting monsters because they were creepy and weird and you just hate monsters was your schtick, Hoss."

"It is not my schtick!" Hoss said loudly. "I learned my lesson! Monsters aren't necessarily evil just because they're monsters and when they offer friendship you should take it! I got it, okay?"

"I dunno," Skarr said. "You seemed pretty nervous around him when you welcomed him to the team."

"When were you part of this conversation?" Hoss asked.

"Hey, he's a member of Underfist," Jeff said. "Even if he did pull that double-cross against Bun-Bun without telling us in advance."

"That double cross was amazing and you know it!" Skarr said, upset. "And besides, I'm with Irwin. That vampire is super creepy."

"Aw, come on," Jeff said. "I mean, I'm a giant spider, Fred is a...whatever Fred is, Irwin's a quarter-vampire-half-mummy-twenty-two-sevenths-nerd, Hoss is a spectral exterminator, and you're a one-eyed weirdo. Is an indecipherable vampire really the strangest thing to introduce to the group?"

"Indecipherable, nothing!" Skarr said. "I've been around the world, I know plenty of languages, I read  _The Art of War_  in the  _original ancient Chinese_ , and he doesn't speak any language I've ever heard! It sounds like some strange mix of Russian and English!"

"Whoa, hold on," Hoss said. "Are you saying that just because this vampire is supremely creepy and speaks a foreign language and is a vampire and will probably rip our throats out and drain us of all our blood and is obviously a horrible monster looking to destroy us from the inside out that you think we should kick him out? No! No, I say!"

The other members of Underfist stared at him oddly.

"Uh, Hoss?" Irwin asked. "Is there something you want to share with us?"

Hoss shook his head. "Nope! Nope I'm fine!" he said quickly. "Just gotta, uh, uh..."

Skarr looked at him, unimpressed. "Really?" he asked. "That long outburst there, it meant nothing at all."

"Yeah, Hoss," Jeff said. "We're here for you, no matter what!"

"Speak for yourself," Skarr said.

"Let it out, Hoss," Irwin encouraged. "Irwin's here for you, yo."

Hoss let out a deep breath and began to speak.

"All my life I've been fighting monsters. If it was a monster, I fought it. I was really good at it, too. I still am. But now, I'm supposed to just shift into believing that monsters are a-okay. And I can accept that you guys are fine, but other monsters? Sorry, but that's pushing it! Hoss does not ask questions about who his friends are! Hoss has no friends! He's a lone wolf, baby! Out on the prowl! On the hunt! The hunt for monsters, whom he will mercilessly punish for their monstrosities! Because I am, Hoss Delgado, spectral exterminator! Oh, yeah!"

The rest of Underfist stared at him oddly.

"So what you're saying is, you're getting used to having monsters as friends," Jeff said. Hoss nodded. "And you're still trying to figure out how to balance out your career as a monster hunter with reassessing your worldview of monsters so that you can see them as something other than pure evil."

"I don't know what you just said," Hoss said, "but it sounded good."

"Gee, thanks!" Jeff said.

"Well, that's just great," Skarr said. "But if we're all done with this share-and-care session, we need to address the actual  _problem_  here!"

"Which is what again?" Hoss asked.

Skarr smacked his forehead out of pure frustration.

"Do we trust Baron Von Goulash or not, yo?" Irwin asked. "Because he's still giving off a majorly creepy vibe, yo."

"Oh. Right," Hoss said. "Well, I guess we put it to a vote. I say we trust him until he turns on us, at which point it's staking time baby!"

Jeff cast a sideways look at Hoss. "Right..." the giant spider said. "Well, I think we can trust him."

"You're an idiot, just like your friend," Skarr said. The group looked over to Fred, who was running around the rocketship making rocket noises. "And I say we don't trust him. Don't trust anybody."

"While I don't agree with Skarr's paranoia, I gotta agree with him," Irwin said. "Something's not right about that guy, yo!"

"Well, that's everybody but Fred," Jeff said. "And two of us want to trust him, but two of us don't."

"So you're saying whether or not we trust the vampire is in the hands of  _that guy_?" Skarr asked incredulously, pointing at Fred, who was rolling around on the floor of the rocket.

"Fred!" Hoss called. "Get over here!"

Fred obediently stood up and walked over to the group.

"Now, Fred, should we trust Baron Von Goulash or not?" Jeff asked.

"Yes!" Fred said happily.

"I guess that settles it," Jeff said.

"Yes!" Fred exclaimed.

Just then, the rocket shook. Baron Von Goulash stood up from his controls.

"Well, droogies, we've arrived," the vampire announced. "Now let's crack these bratchny gloopy nazzes right horrorshow!"

Underfist stared at him, confused.

"What?" Skarr finally asked.

"I think I can translate," Irwin said. "Underfist, GO!"

Baron Von Goulash wrinkled his nose. "Fine, be boring," he said. "Let's just get on with it."


	8. Skolliwoled Us Like Nazzes, Grahzny Krovvypeeters

Fifteen minutes later Underfist found themselves in chains on wooden boards.

"Well that didn't go well," Skarr said.

"I know, yo!" Irwin said. "What happened?"

"We got captured, Nick," Hoss said. "And now they're going to suck our blood out and turn us into vampires too!" He struggled against his bonds. "If only they hadn't chained my arms down! I could access my mechanical hand!"

"I have four arms free," Jeff said. "Let me help."

Jeff reached out with one of his arms and tapped Hoss's hand. A small electric fan popped out and began to blow in Hoss's face. Hoss sighed, relaxed by the cool breeze.

"Thanks, Jeff," Hoss said. "It's nice to know  _some_  people can help!" He glared at Baron Von Goulash.

"I don't know what happened, honestly!" the baron defended himself. "I ittied in there and started noshing them up like always, a kick and toss across the wrist crack the cables, nyet, and it did nothing! Very baddiwad, that! No class!"

"I still don't understand why the stakes didn't work," Hoss said. "It's like these vampires have some strange immunity to stakes."

"Maybe they lied to us, yo," Irwin said forlornly. "Maybe their weakness  _isn't_  stakes after all."

Hoss's jaw dropped. "They can  _lie_?" he said incredulously.

"Everyone can lie, you big galoot," Skarr said. "The question is...what are they vulnerable to?"

"Not to a horrorshow noshing, certainly!" Von Goulash said. "Skolliwoled us like nazzes, grahzny krovvypeeters."

Everyone looked at him, annoyed.

"Does  _anyone_  understand a  _single thing_  this  _useless vampire_  is  _saying_?" Hoss bellowed angrily.

"Nope," Skarr said.

"Not since we met him," Irwin added.

"Sorry, but no," Jeff said apologetically.

"No," Fred said.

The aSTRoVaMPiReS walked over to their captives. A movie screen had been set up.

"Well, whoever you are," one of them said, "you made a big mistake trying to invade us. And now, it's time for your treatment."

"Wait, what treatment?" Skarr asked. "Are you really going to drain our blood and turn us into you?"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe looked afronted. "Certainly not!" it said. "We don't pass aSTRoVaMPiRiSM on by drinking blood! We do that by having people drink  _our_  venom. Who would even drink blood? That's disgusting!"

Irwin looked guilty.

"And everybody wants to be a VaMP," it continued. "Because a VaMP's the only vamp whose style is never cramped."

"I'll never be like you!" Hoss objected angrily. "Never! NEVER!"

"Oh, but you will," the aSTRoVaMPiRe said smugly. "After a little bit of our treatment, you'll be right as rain. You just need to be made well, that's all. You'll be made healthy."

The aSTRoVaMPiReS strapped mechanical apparatuses to the heads of their captives. These apparatuses held the eyes of their victims open and dispensed eyedrops every few seconds. The only one who was unaffected was Jeff, whose multiple eyes did not fit the apparatus. He blinked rapidly.

"Um, I think I need a new headset," he told his guards. They ignored him.

"It's time for a little demonstration," one of the aSTRoVaMPiReS said. The aSTRoVaMPiReS turned the slabs of wood around, revealing a giant movie screen.

"And now, the movie, folks!" an aSTRoVaMPiRe said. The projector turned on, and a film reel began to count down.

"Well, it looks like this is it," Hoss said. "Ronaldo?"

Nobody answered him.

"Ronaldo?" Hoss asked again. "Buddy?"

Irwin grit his teeth.

"C'mon, Ronaldo," Hoss said. "Don't brush me off like this. I need to tell you something."

Irwin looked over at Hoss angrily.

"MY NAME IS IRWIN!" he yelled. "GET IT RIGHT!"

Hoss stared back at Irwin, completely cowed.

"Right..." he said. "Anyway, Sherman, I just wanted you to know, if this is it...you were the best sidekick I ever had."

Irwin's mouth dropped open. "You remember that?" he asked.

"Of course I do," Hoss said. "And I'm glad I got to work with you again in Underfist."

Two aSTRoVaMPiReS reached out from behind them and yanked their heads back to face the screen.

"Wow," Irwin said, amazed. "That almost makes up for how you always mess up my name."

The movie began playing. A blonde woman stared out at them. Behind her, a door opened, and a man walked in.

"Sondra!" the man proclaimed.

"How dare you return, Dirk," the woman said emotionlessly. "You know I only have–one. Life. To live." She looked directly at the camera.

"Sondra, how can you be so cruel?" Dirk asked. "Knowing that I have only–one life to live!"

"Oh,  _you_  only have–one. Life. To live. How many lives do you think I have–to live?" Sondra asked.

"One?" Dirk guessed.

"Marry me, Dirk," Sondra said. The two actors threw themselves into a passionless kiss.

"I would, Sondra," Dirk said as soon as they broke the liplock. "If only I had another life to live. But as it stands, I have only–one li–"

A remote control appeared onscreen and changed the channel.

"Oh no," Skarr muttered. "No. No!"

A theme song began playing that involved a lot of bleating.

"NOT THIS!" Skarr screamed. "ANYTHING BUT THIS! NO! NO! NO!"

"MY EYES!" Irwin screamed. "THIS AIN'T RIGHT, YO!"

"WHY! WHY! WHY!" Hoss yelled.

"Ooh, this is a good show!" Fred said. "Can I have some nachos? I like to have nachos while I watch television."

"IT'S A SIN!" Baron Von Goulash yelped. "IT'S A SIN! IT'S A SIN! IT'S A SIN!"

Jeff frowned. "I don't get it," he said. "While the backgrounds are clearly inspired by Cubist art and the stylized UPA cartoons of the 1950s, the show is blatantly taking its cues from  _Rocky and Bullwinkle_ , and doing its best to both homage the former series and put its stamp on the formula. Furthermore, while the art style appears angular and unrefined, this is clearly an attempt to situate the series in a timeless state, where it can't be dated as definitively occurring in any era–besides, of course, the standard setting of post-World War II America. While the overuse of puns may be annoying to some, it's surely not bad enough to be defined as the torture you all seem to see it as."

The rest of Underfist and Baron Von Goulash continued to scream. Jeff sighed.

"Well, I guess it's up to me now," he said. "I didn't want to have to do this, but..."

Jeff used his four free arms as leverage and pushed against the chains. They quickly broke, and he proceeded to cast a web at the projector and pull it onto its side, stopping the show. He then leapt over to Hoss and bit him free. Once freed, Hoss quickly activated his chainsaw and used it to cut Skarr and Irwin loose while Jeff bit through the bonds holding back Fred Fredburger and Baron Von Goulash.

The six fighters stood side by side, ready for a rematch.

"Alright, vampire scum," Hoss said. "You may have defeated us on Earth, then defeated us again when we went to space and landed on your Kuiper object, then chained us up and forced us to watch  _Sheep in the Big City_ , but it ends now, you hear me? It's all over, aSTRoVaMPiReS! Because Underfist is free, and we're angry! OH YEAH!"


	9. I Want To Eat Some Frozen Yogurt

Underfist and the aSTRoVaMPiReS glared at each other angrily as they engaged in a staredown. They stood facing each other, both ready to fight but neither willing to start the attack.

At least, not until Baron Von Goulash rushed directly at the aSTRoVaMPiReS, screaming angrily. He bore down on them at full speed. None of the aSTRoVaMPiReS reacted until the baron was almost upon them. At that point, the aSTRoVaMPiRe right in front of him held up a wooden stake.

Baron Von Goulash couldn't stop his momentum and ran into the stake heartfirst. His face twisted and contorted as he gasped for air until he fell to the ground and laid there, open-eyed and completely still.

Suddenly, music began playing from nowhere.

"Is that  _Ode to Joy_?" Skarr asked.

"More importantly, where's it coming from, yo?" Irwin asked.

"Um, guys?" Jeff said. "This isn't good."

Underfist snapped back to attention. The aSTRoVaMPiReS were grinning widely and starting to close in.

"Yes!" Fred said.

"It looks like this is it," Hoss said. "Time to take down these astros!"

Hoss leapt into action. About a second later, everyone else followed suit. Skarr used his military training in hand-to-hand combat to fend off the aSTRoVaMPiReS whenever they got close to him, but they kept after him even though he constantly knocked them away. Hoss was also fighting, using his chainsaw as a sword to cut at his opponents, but wasn't having much success either, since every aSTRoVaMPiRe he cut down merely rose up again a few seconds later. Irwin was having problems as well; he had tried to take to the air, because this was his best position for attacking, but his advantage was negated by the fact that he was facing creatures that could fly just as well as he could–in many instances, better than he could. Fred Fredburger wasn't hypnotizing his audience this time; instead, he was being beaten up and pushed backwards. Jeff tried to defend his friend with webbing, and was able to wrap up some of the aSTRoVaMPiReS and take them out of commission, but even he couldn't produce enough webs to wrap up all of the aSTRoVaMPiReS.

Though they fought valiantly, Underfist slowly found themselves losing ground. Although Hoss and Skarr were able to create an arms-length perimeter all around them, and although Jeff was slowing the assault by taking some aSTRoVaMPiReS out for the rest of the battle, Fred was unable to put up much resistance and Irwin found himself outclassed in the air. When a well aimed kick sent Irwin hurtling towards Fred, it was all but over, as the impact sent the two sprawling into the movie screen. By the time Irwin and Fred got to their feet again, their comrades had been pushed back to the screen as well.

"It looks like this is the end," Skarr said solemnly while still fighting. "It has been...an...whatever, to serve with you."

"I feel the same way, you one-eyed weirdo," Hoss said grimly. "I feel the same way."

"I DON'T WANNA DIE, YO!" Irwin screamed frantically. He began blubbering. "I never got Mandy to fall in love with me, I never got to wedgie Sperg for being such a big dumb jerk, I never got to go to Sassy Cat Land without something terrible happening, I never got my grandfather to admit he loves me! Either of them!"

"It's okay, guys," Jeff said. "We'll pull through, I just know it!"

"We will?" Fred asked thoughtlessly.

"We won't," Skarr said flatly. Irwin began to wail again, and Fred joined him.

"Aw, why'd you have to say that?" Jeff asked.

"Because it's the truth!" Skarr said, punctuating his statement with a particularly hard karate chop to the face of an aSTRoVaMPiRe. "We're all going to die, nobody's going to save us, it's over, we lost!"

Jeff's mandibles trembled. He stopped fighting and pulled Fred into a hug. Fred stopped crying.

"I love you, man!" Jeff wailed. "You were my best friend."

"I want to eat some frozen yogurt," Fred said.

"Me too, buddy," Jeff said tearfully. "Me too."

"Last time, I went to space, there were these guys, and we had, frozen yogurt," Fred said. "Yes!"

"You know, there's one thing I don't get," Irwin sniveled.

"Why Captain Hairyback is the only one helping me fight?" Skarr groused.

"No, like, why didn't the stakes work?" Irwin asked. "Stakes always work on Earth vampires, yo."

Jeff's head shot up, a look of shock on his face.

"Hey," Jeff said. "Maybe they meant  _steaks_. You know, the meaty kind."

"That's absurd!" Skarr said. "Being defeated by cow meat? That's completely idiotic! And offensive to Hindus! And besides, where would we even get enough steaks to defeat this many aSTRoVaMPiReS?"

Hoss grinned and pressed a button on his mechanical wrist.

"Are you crazy," Skarr said flatly.

"Oh, yeah," Hoss said.

"What even is that?" Skarr asked as Hoss calibrated his new weapon. The aSTRoVaMPiReS had stopped attacking and were now just watching in confusion.

"A steak shooter," Hoss said. "It's like a salad shooter, but more...manly."

"Oh come on, this is ridiculous!" Skarr complained.

"It's our only hope, yo!" Irwin said.

"We're stranded on an alien planet–"

"Kuiper object," Jeff corrected.

"Whatever!" Skarr said. "We're in outer space, fighting aSTRoVaMPiReS,  _losing_ , and you think meat products will change the outcome?"

Hoss fired his steak shooter. A steak shot out and hit an aSTRoVaMPiRe in the face, and it went down shrieking. A few seconds later, the aSTRoVaMPiRe turned into ashes.

"Oh, yeah," Hoss said sinisterly. "It's time to meat out some justice."

Hoss began firing steaks into the crowd. It would be impossible to put a number on the amount of meat that flew out of Hoss's steak shooter, but it was fairly certain that Hoss was firing nine hundred steaks a minute.

"C'mon, boys!" Hoss yelled. "I'm gonna make you into a  _rare_  species!"

Hoss continued to blast, carving swaths through the aSTRoVaMPiReS. The alien species quickly started running away from Hoss's massive mounds of meat.

"Hey, get back here!" Hoss yelled. "I didn't sign up to fight  _cow_ ards! I won't consider this a job  _well done_  until you're all  _dead meat_!"

Hoss kept firing, killing aSTRoVaMPiReS by the hundreds. The rest of Underfist looked at each other.

"So what do we do now?" Jeff asked.

"I say we go home, yo," Irwin said. "I've had enough fighting for one day."

"This adventure has been completely and utterly idiotic," Skarr said. "I just want to go home and fall asleep."

They continued to listen to the sounds of screaming, bad meat puns, and Hoss's joy at massacring monsters.

"How long is this idiot going to keep this up?" Skarr asked.

"Well, it's not that large a planet," Irwin said. "He's bound to run out of steaks or targets at some point, yo."


	10. Did Someone Say Sequel Hook?

By the time Hoss became bored with steaking the aSTRoVaMPiReS, the battlefield was covered in ash. Only one aSTRoVaMPiRe remained, and it was on its knees, mourning the loss of its comrades.

Hoss was the one who approached, confident and grinning from the battle he had just singlehandedly won.

"Alright, you," he told the aSTRoVaMPiRe. "That was just a taste of what Underfist can do to scum like you. Now you're going to take your butts and get them out of our solar system. Do you understand me?"

The aSTRoVaMPiRe lifted its head and stared at the other members of Underfist, who were about ten feet behind Hoss.

It said "I can't believe you'd side with them."

"Oh, come on!" Hoss said, annoyed. "I learned my lesson in the last special, okay? Not all monsters are evil, some can be your friends, even one-eyed weirdos can be trusted sometimes, blah blah blah. I even kept an open mind about that Baron De Large guy, and he was really creepy."

"I know you're not an aSTRoVaMPiRe, and maybe not even an Earth vampire, but how could you side with one of them against us?" it asked.

"Wait, what?" Hoss asked, confused.

"What's she talking about, yo?" Irwin asked, worried.

"I'm talking about  _that_!" the aSTRoVaMPiRe said. It pointed to a spot somewhere behind Underfist.

"Oh, like we're going to fall for that old trick," Skarr scoffed.

"You really should," a dark figure behind them said.

Underfist spun around to look at the newcomer. Their jaws dropped.

The figure grinned. "Did someone say, 'sequel hook?'"

* * *

_When monsters come to wreck your town_  
_And you need heroes to rescue you_  
 _And the Super Friends just ain't around_  
 _Then Underfist will rescue you_  
 _It's what they do_  
 _Oh yeah?_  
 _Oh yeah._  
 _Oh yeah?_  
 _Oh yeah._  
 _Oh yeah!_  
 _Un-der_  
 _Un-der_  
 _Un-der un-der Underfist_  
 _Un-der un-der Underfist_  
 _When aSTRoVaMPiReS arrive_  
 _With evil goat milk to doom us all_  
 _If you're undead you're not alive_  
 _But Underfist will take the call_  
 _Call Underfist, be free, oh yeah_  
 _Oh yeah?_  
 _Oh yeah._  
 _Oh yeah!_

_UNDERFIST, GO!_

* * *

Underfist Versus the Dinosaurs  
Underfist and the Poorly Dubbed Anime DVD  
Underfist: Easter Beatdown  
Underfist Babies  
Underfist: Return of the Spider Queen  
Underfist: Action Squad Miami  
Underfist Teaches Traffic Safety


End file.
